The (Best) Friend Pause
Today’s episode is about friendship, identity, and grief. I talk about how society and culture are built for romantic love and we are all quite ill-prepared for the heartbreak of platonic, friendship love. I share some of my thoughts on friendship contracts: the unconscious signing of contracts when we first become friends with someone, and what that means as we grow and change as people. But most importantly, I vulnerably share how I’m in the thick of my own heartbreaking and confusing friendship pause* with one of my lifelong best friends.
*my new definition because “friend breakup” sounds so heartbreaking and finite. Plus, we can’t predict the future of our relationships so I’m choosing to use the gentle term “friend pause.”
I took a quote from the queen Brené Brown’s podcast, “Unlocking Us” called “Places We Go When the Heart is Open from Atlas of the Heart,” and you can find that episode here.
I also referenced a piece from The Atlantic called “It’s Your Friends Who Break You Heart,” which is well worth the read.
Lastly, I am obsessed with Anderson Cooper’s podcast “All There Is,” especially the episode with Stephen Colbert (one of my favourite humans). Be sure to check it out.
Finally, if anything from this episode resonated with you, I would be so grateful if you shared on social media and sent to someone in your life. And be sure to follow along on instagram at @nicolebreanne and @findingsparklechasinglight.
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00:00 This is Finding Sparkle Chasing Light, and I’m your host Nicole Breanne. (Music Interlude) Hi everyone. WelI hope the start of this new year has been gentle, and joyful for you. I realize taking a few weeks to do my first episode in 2023 (what!!) might seem a little late, especially to be talking about the new year, but I’ve been processing some of my own things in my personal life, and I really wanted to make sure I didn’t add to the new year “noise” until I felt more clear. I really like to be very intentional about my time, and especially yours! So, I’m back and I’m feeling good, and I hope you are too.
00:48 Today on the podcast I want to talk about friendship, identity, and grief, and kind of how this weaves into some of my “hopes,” yes, new word for goals or resolutions, but my hopes for this year.
1:03 For several months I’ve been processing some changes in one of my closest friendships. It has felt, at times, so all consuming, and I have so badly wanted to find a way to talk about it here, but the sacredness of being one of my closest relationships is really special to me and I never want to do it a disservice by trying to properly convey all the nuances and intricacies of, you know, complex emotions. And I know I have alluded to things here and there, but knowing there’s another person involved, and someone I care about, I didn’t know exactly how to talk about it. And honestly, I still don’t haha. But I figure if this is something I’m going through then many of you likely are too. And nothing feels more human than sharing something vulnerable while you’re in the thick of it. Which is my first hope for this year: putting myself out there more.
2:02 One quick housekeeping note: this podcast is not intended for me to be trying to share “my side” of something, or to make any person look bad. I’m well aware that both of us have experienced hurt, and how I’ve felt is not a reflection of this person who I still love and care about. And I ask that you don’t speculate on who it is, or say anything to them or anyone as this episode is not meant to shine a spotlight on the person, but rather the common shared experience of heartache around friendship.
2:40 So first thing’s first: we don’t talk enough about friendship and platonic love enough. Society and culture are built for romantic love. Things are in place for falling in love: we have dating, there are conversations to establish the relationship, think of every movie you watch, there’s marriage, there’s legally binding contracts. And when romantic love ends, it’s totally acceptable to be hurt. You know, some people take time off work. Friends come over with a tub of ice cream and a rom com, and there’s hundreds of albums to listen to, all perfectly orchestrating the exact feelings you have.
3:23 But what happens when the one who’d normally come over with the tub of ice cream and a movie, is the one who’s caused the hurt? Where’s the Taylor Swift album for that? As well, it feels like there’s some sort of taboo on disclosing that you’re going through some friendship troubles. When a romantic relationship ends, there’s generally some closure or at least somewhat of a conversation about how the feelings have changed, and the romantic contract you shared is over. You understand the intimate part of your relationship has ended and you set boundaries around how this all looks moving forward. Now, I realize that to love with any sense of honesty and intensity is an act of vulnerability. And with it comes the risk of hurt. It’s actually impossible to be in relationship in any capacity without experiencing heartbreak. It’s a natural part of life to have your heartbroken, at least in the romantic sense. We are literally born to know our hearts will break in life. But, there always seems to be some taboo about friendship heartbreak.
4:34 Generally your other friends don’t check in on you as much. Maybe they don’t know how to ask, or what to ask. Maybe they might still be friends with the other person and they don’t want to look like they are gossiping or choosing a side. And so you tend to go through this experience mostly alone.
4:56 One of the hardest parts about this friendship pause - yes that’s my new term, because I don’t know yet if this is a friend breakup, and that just sounds so heartbreaking and finite. Life is long, if we’re lucky, and friendships can ebb and flow over the years, so my new gentle term is calling this a “friend pause.” Anyway, one of the hardest parts about this friendship pause is that there hasn’t been a conversation saying it’s over or that her feelings have changed, but rather months of subtle hurts, behavioural changes, over analyzing every detail of texts, and “something just feeling off.”
5:39 I think a pause is hard for the person initiating the pause, and for the person being paused. Especially because I don’t always think it’s obvious when it’s happening. Sometimes it’s just kind of a series of hurt feelings that lead to it. I was listening to Queen Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, and she said “hurt feelings are most often caused by people with whom we have close relationships, when we feel devalued or rejected by the other person, and most behaviours that result in hurt feelings are not intended to be hurtful. They typically involve actions that are… Are you ready? Thoughtless, careless, or insensitive.”
6:23 I can absolutely say that looking back, the hurt feelings in my friendship began exactly that way. It was likely some thoughtless comments, some careless lack of other comments or validation, and then some insensitive ones. The struggle then, is that in the moment while our feelings are hurt we see things as intentional - we assume someone is doing it intending to hurt us - thus making the hurt heightened even more.
6:52 I often tell Lucas about intent versus impact. And so often his reasoning and so many other people’s reasoning or explanation as to why they did something is always “well that was never my intent.” To which I always have to say, “right, are we thinking about what our intentions are, or are we thinking about what our impact is?” For me whether or not the intent was good or bad, unfortunately the impact was that I was hurt.
7:21 I know I’ve mentioned it before but I’m a big believer in the idea of friendship contracts. And what’s funny is I googled this to see if this theory is talked about much anywhere else, and I didn’t really find much, but I did find ACTUAL contracts because apparently there’s a culture around some friends sign legitimate contracts to determine what they’ll do when kids, sickness, and death inevitably happen, which I just found wild, and also kind of cool.
7:56 But I’m not talking about physical contracts, I’m talking about the unconscious ones we sign when we become friends with someone. So let’s go back a bit to the wonderful world of elementary school. You’ve got your friends, you share snacks at recess, they are your partner in gym class and life is peachy. That’s the contract. Snacks, recess buddy, birthday party invite. But then you grow up and go to high school - you couldn’t possibly predict at 9 years old what paths your lives would take. One of you is into drinking and partying, and the other is focused on theatre or sports super intensely. Sometimes this causes friendships to organically part, and other times there’s enough foundation to sign on to new contracts.
8:43 Another great example is when two friends meet as newly single friends. They “understand each other,” and maybe they are in the “we don’t need a partner” phase, they are super social. But what happens when one person gets serious with a new partner? And maybe isn’t going out as much? Hasn’t “sworn off” dating anymore. Sometimes, the single friend is quietly envious (as a side note, I read an article saying that envy is the most common reason friendships end). Anyway, sometimes the single friend is quietly envious of their friend’s new found happiness that sometimes it’s hard to sign a new contract. What is our friendship if it’s not going out on weekends? Sharing wild dating stories?
9:30 he quickest or easiest way to make a friend is through a shared experience - working together, going to school together, being single together, drinking buddies, sports or hobby friends. And while this all may be happening subconsciously it’s often hard to redefine the terms of the friendship contract when that initial bond of the shared experience changes.
9:54 I watched this happen with Lucas when we first started dating. He had always been the single, easy going, down for whatever guy. For years he didn’t really date anyone seriously, so within his close friend group that identity remained. He’d even be the third wheel, or the fifth wheel, or the seventh wheel on tons of hangs and even trips. Most of his friends had been with their partners long enough that the friend group was all almagamated into one. But when I came into the picture, I obviously brought an entire life with me - my own set of incredible friends, my own community, family and a dog. He had to become a better planner, we had to share our time with his friends, my friends, each other, and some of his friends had a hard time initially. There were even moments, even though they were all couples, that they’d try and invite him without me to concerts saying “they miss the old days” which really sucked. I cried a lot.
10:56 I didn’t understand why they didn’t like me when I was trying so hard - really, I was trying so hard. When other people feel like someone doesn’t like them, they pull away or give up. I’m the opposite - I double down and I try even harder, which is probably pathetic and probably desperate, but it’s just what my nature is. But I was trying really hard to be a great cheerleader and friend to them. As time passed I started to understand that while Lucas was giving more to me, he started giving less to them. And I was sort of that catalyst for the change. So it wasn’t even really about me at all. And after how much they’d invested into him and their friendship, it understandably stung. There were a few very hard conversations and some tears, but ultimately over time everything was sorted. The friendship has been different ever since, but we are happy to report that new contracts were signed. But oh my gosh, growth and change are so hard.
11:59 This friend of mine and I had made it through every life change. We’d subconsciously signed new friendship contracts a dozen times over. A piece I read in the Atlantic says “three of the most common and dramatic friendship disrupters are moving, divorce, and death.” Well, before the age of 30 we had already made it through two of the three (thank goodness no major deaths yet), but plus a million other life changes. We prided ourselves on despite being different in so many ways, that we always supported each other and ultimately chose our friendship.
12:39 And then in 2021 we were about to embark on the most beautiful journey together: motherhood. Surely, I’ve seen friendship dynamics change when one person becomes a parent, but doing this together could only bring us closer, right? Well, yes, but also unfortunately no. I didn’t have the clarity I do now while it was happening in real time, but it turns out that celebrating our differences is easy until we are going through a life changing parallel experience together. Like, at the time, and it’s not necessarily the easiest experience to be going through.
13:17 My incessant research in pregnancy and now motherhood and over preparedness and desire to know more, to know everything (hello, Gemini!) to her, only seemed to highlight how much she didn’t know. And maybe didn’t want to have to even think about. And sure, we all see those tiktoks about two different mom friends making totally different choices about breastfeeding vs formula feeding, cloth diapers vs regular diapers, organic vs pouches, how much screen time, how much help you get, staying home vs daycare but still choosing the friendship and I totally thought that would be us. I didn’t even leave room for it, honestly. But somehow it wasn’t. Different ways of parenting, different babies, different approaches in the never-ending pandemic, figuring out our new roles as mothers, having different goals and new dreams. I’m not even sure how or when it happened but it sucked. And it has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.
14:33 And this podcast would be so much easier if I was through the finish line and had a clear ending, and I could have the perspective of being able to look back on what happened without the emotions. But I don’t, because it’s actually still happening in real time.
14:49 All I know is that for months I felt something being off. And I feel like we are so good at telling ourselves that over analyzing a change in someone’s texting style “doesn’t count” or we are just “reading into something.” I know I really try to assume the best in people, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Almost making excuses or reasons for people’s actions because I think maybe that felt easier on my heart than accepting that something had really changed. But it definitely had. And instead of pulling back I did what I said earlier which is I tend to double down for approval, like a golden retriever puppy wanting to be loved. And that just feels really sad thinking about it now.
15:39 When it came to conversations around motherhood, there was just such little love and support. In that Atlantic article, it says “what makes a friendship so fragile is also exactly what makes it special. You have to continually opt in. That you choose it is what gives it its value.” And, I guess I felt like she was no longer opting in, at least in regards to motherhood which was the brunt of our friendship as of late. And remember, just because I felt like, or feel like, someone wasn’t opting in, it doesn’t mean they were or weren’t. This is only my feelings and my truth which we have to remember is not the whole truth.
16:30 It all kind of came to a head with Covid, and a wedding and there’s just been a pause ever since. A pause I never imagined having, but maybe that’s been needed, because the anxiety and heartache around the friendship was consuming so much of my energy. But now that we’ve been on a pause I’m realizing how much of my identity was wrapped up in this friendship. I felt like I was more worthy or better by being this person’s “best friend,” like it was a medal I would wear with pride. And without them I felt like less of a person. This isn’t true, of course, at least the part about being worthless. But I couldn’t, and clearly still can’t seem to accept that this could be happening with the person who’s been so publicly by my side through all of life. The keeper of my secrets, the know-er of my heart, the cheerleader of all my dreams. The friendship that honestly could eat other friendships for breakfast. This couldn’t be happening, not to me, not to us.
17:44 Another hope or lesson I’m taking into this year is “letting people be wrong about me.” This is a tough one for me, and there are probably many examples in my life I could give you. I remember there was a hurtful time where shortly after a conversation myself and this friend had, where some important people to her conveniently unfollowed me on social media. Which, I know sounds SO petty, and the only reason I’m mentioning it is because I know you’ve been there, trying to telI yourself “oh, it’s just social media.” And as soon as you say it out loud you feel like a wackadoodle doo, you feel cuckoo. And yet, it still stings, because sometimes your intuition and your heart just know that you’re right. And that it just hurts, and it’s hard to honour that hurt, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I was really sad, even though I don’t even really have a relationship with these people on my own, outside of my friendship with this person. But, I remember desperately wanting them to know my side of the story - which, was the truth in my eyes! If only they knew my heart and my good intentions and full story surely they’d feel differently. But they felt how they felt, and it’s okay for them to be wrong about me. But now that we’re in a pause I feel so much less worried about that. It felt like such a big deal at the time, and now it’s really not. The weight has been lifted, and time really does heal things.
19:19 And while it might heal things, it also allows room for different hurt. The hurt in seeing how the friendship was making me feel bad for so long. And realizing you can love a person, but not how they are making you feel. This pause has also meant that while maybe I don’t have text messages to overanalyze, sometimes seeing their instagram stories hurts. On the same day I was sent me a pretty sad message, this friend posted a bunch of instagram stories about launching a podcast with her best friend, and being excited for all the amazing things to come in 2023. Isn’t it funny and mean how our brains do that to us? We decide that onece someone has hurt us that when they experience joy, or especially with someone else that suddenly they “are posting it to make us sad,” or doing it to spite us, when they are likely not even thinking about us at all. And even if they are, maybe they are fabricating joy which is just a coping mechanism to feel better about themselves or their own hurt. Plus, it’s not like I own podcasts, and I’m sure theirs will be amazing because they are awesome, but it’s okay to also hold space for that timing really hurting my feelings. But one thing I always try and remember is that everyone is doing their best within their means. That always takes a weight off my chest when I remember that. It doesn’t mean I can’t have feelings, because I do.
23:35 Because there are many feelings. And lots of grief. Grieving the person and who they once were. Grieving the relationship. Grieving all the times something reminds me of them and I pick up my phone only to put it down. Grieving the feeling of being known so deeply. Grieving the past - who will know me? Who will know my stories? I’m grieving the future. I am grieving all the times I put myself out there, desperate for some sort of approval, only to feel embarrassed now, or silly. I’m grieving all the times I’ve reached out not realizing it was a pause. But in this grief I have to remind myself of my favourite Jamie Anderson quote. This quote got me through my divorce, and it will help me no matter the outcome of this friendship is: “Grief is just love with no place to go.” Oof. Ain’t that the truth.
20:53 I don’t know exactly what the future holds, and I’m starting to feel comfortable with anything. I’m still me without this person, and my value and worth doesn’t change, even if it feels like a failure sometimes. And hopefully if we’re able to make through the inevitable awkward or difficult rebuilding, it will be from an even healthier place. Stephen Colbert said it best in Anderson Cooper’s podcast, All There Is, which if you haven’t listened to, I highly recommend. But he said “It’s a gift to exist and with existence comes suffering. If you’re grateful for your life then you have to be grateful for all of it. Grief teaches us what it means to be human.” How lucky am I to have experienced this great love for 25 years? To hurt this much only means that I’ve loved that much too. I hope this podcast helped you feel less alone. If you’re listening and you know one of your friends is going through something like this, please ask them about it, even if your’e still friends with the other person. Let’s break the taboo about taking about friendship breakups, friend pauses, friend hurt. The only thing worse than going through a friend breakup or a friend pause is having your other friends shy away from talking about it, leaving you feeling completely alone. My friends have been there for me through this, but one of the most common messages I got was that when they went through the very obvious friend breakup or friend pause that none of friends asked them about it. I thought I’d send out that reminder that it’s better to say something awkward or the wrong thing than say nothing at all. You’re just showing up.
24:00 I am so grateful to all of you who’ve stood by me as I ebb and flow through this podcast. I hope that this episode resonated with you and if there was something in it that touched you or made you feel something I would be so beyond appreciative if you were to share it on your social media, if you could send to people in your life. The more I can get this thing going the better, and it just means so much to me when I put so much of myself into this. Please continue to hang out on instagram throughout the week. I’m over at @nicolebreanne and @findingsparklechasinglight. And that’s our show. Remember, you can only meet someone as deep as you’ve met yourself. Thanks so much.